6 posts tagged “bitterness”
Gabriel Emmy the Great Gabriel this is the last and think as i am thinking now I know my fate I do no mean to fight Oh Gabriel I see you there Soon they will twist it at the shoulder I've seen my future in an evening dress Gabriel I have kept Oh Gabriel I wish that I But this is how I live my life I've seen my future in an evening dress I know my fate I do no mean to fight
chapter of our correspondence
I hope that after time goes past
you can remember me with fondness
of all the pages that have seen us
laid out unending in between us
and we could walk them like the ground
but you tread softly on the ground tonight
tread softly on the words you used to write
The day I met you in the orchard
and I was younger then I wore my hair
in bows across my forehead
and fix the clasp against my neck
and I do not think you would know her
if you could see what they reflect
all wrapped in tapestry and fur I guess
remember me the way you knew me best
everything you sent me
everything you put to paper
but it's better to forget
than to fill your head with memories
think that you wil thank me later
could pick you up and fold you like a ribbon
I'd keep you always and in secret
in the pockets of my clothes
with all the parts that I was given
This is the heart that I was given
and what you're given can be sold
and I've been walking to her step to step
Remember me the way you knew me best
but you tread softly on the ground tonight
tread softly on the words you used to write
Today you sent me this text message:
"I want to think that somewhere out there in the universe, on a planet exactly like ours, two people exactly like you and me made very different choices and that, somewhere, we're still together.
We've talked about it. But, we didn't - not really. All we ever aired were our hurts. Your actions toward me have not been too godly and I haven't been such a Christian myself now, have I?
I wished we could have talked about it more. How it affected you, how I felt about it. I wish we could have had a dispassionate, candid talk. The two of us. But then, are there ever dispassionate, candid talks between us since it happened? We've both been hurt by the this brouhaha. I, with the nasty gossip you, with your broken heart and shattered ego.
How dare me. How dare I be so insensitive and apathetic. I could have shown more empathy. But, I didn't. I could not. I did not understand how you could not accept the truth. You were given the truth. It was explained to you. You must know that when it is gone, it is gone. Just like that. No amount of begging, crying, kicking, screaming, or threats of fire and brimstone will ever bring it back.
I wish you had asked me that question. I would have told you. I would have never lied to you. Maybe you like lies better.
I want to write you a letter. I don't know what it will say. A letter to respect your grief. To acknowledge this passing. To wish you luck. Go and be the next Teresa Jolie. I hope you will be free of all this. Playing the victim and being bitter doesn't become you. And you've played it out for far too long. It's been boring.
I promise you: this too shall pass.
Just like that.
laine and i were trying to find where in the Gs we could find pretty gifts for our siblings when i thought i caught a glimpse of you standing in the corner of delifrance. i walked faster to where you were, thinking perhaps it was just another look-a-like, madaming pamhin sa makati, baka si funny man erick pa yung nakita ko.
Lo and behold! who should be standing with you but your ever so faithful pseudo-girlfriend 073 who never aroused you and some other guy.
for a brief moment i debated with myself whether i should acknowledge you or not. i went for the latter, fully knowing we may never see each other again.
is this sign? why am I so big with signs?
well, no matter.
i saw you. you saw me. the universe has once again conspired to make our paths meet. and once again we thwarted destiny by ignoring each other's existence and pretended nothing happened. what white-livered cowards we are!
it will never happen. we will never be able to acknowlege whatever it was, whatever we were, whatever we could have almost been.
i was there, i was listening when S.B. asked you what the deal was. You simply said it was complicated. he asked you point blank if you loved me or not. you kept on with your prattle about the complicated life you lead. you never denied having feelings for me, then again you never admitted it either. it is this non-admission/non-denial that drives me to the edge. why couldn't you just speak your mind?
sometimes i still get butterflies in my stomach when i remember how the four of us ate midnight snacks at the oval. we were finished with the meals and we looked up the unfathomable heavens studded with stars. we looked for cassiopeia in the sky, i can't recall if we found her. you kept on repeating you'd miss me and wanted to go with me to egypt. before i left, you hugged me and brushed your lips against my cheeks right in the middle of the paddy's badminton court. the world froze and shuttlecocks dropped to the floor while everybody stared at us. was this an affirmation of what everybody had suspected all along?
i don't know. will never know. and i am back to where i started all over again.
we will never speak of this. you will go on with your indifference. but i want no more of this. you may keep your silence. i will say this once and then no more of it: i felt like i could fall in love with you. maybe at some point i already had. for a nano second i would have given up the love that i already had if you required it from me. i have always been attracted to you, like a highschool girl in love with her chemistry teacher. you seemed so brilliant, wordly...complicated. but i held off, partly because i didn't want to make a fool of myself and mostly because i still wanted us to be friends.
all this is a lost cause. i'm not sure that we still are friends. don't worry, i've let go now. i no longer need your declaration of undying love. i've grown up and am only too happy with the guy who loves me.
don't flatter yourself too much. what happened was a mere coincidence and nothing more. i may be a scheming cunt but I was in no way involved in the scriptwriting of that episode in your pathetic life. it was perhaps the universe's way of reminding us that the Fates are three biyotches with a sardonic sense of humour.
we were both taken aback to find ourselves in the same room. the same people were there doing the same things they were doing two years ago. it was just like the old times but NOT. two years ago we still belonged there, now we're just groupies of the Institute.
i successfully resisted what was left of your charms and was able to ignore you much to your chagrin. still, i must admit i was painfully aware of your existence. was that your attempt at making conversation? boy, you sucked! were you trying to catch my attention? well, it may please you to know that i did notice a few things about you that day:
1) you look older than when I last saw you;
2) you were wearing a new pair of black, leather shoes although they are no better than the pair you had before;
3) you now sport a silver stud on one ear (whaddaf*%#*!?!)
4) you have not stopped smoking since I left (hah! now I flatter myself..).
you have the honor of being my "last teenage crush". No, i am no longer infatuated with you, i know better now and there is nothing romantic in being with a complicated man. there are so many things that I would like to ask you though. Everytime you are mentioned, a great, long converstaion of what-ifs and could-haves would result between moi and tevs. there are so many things that you have yet to explain, not because you owe it to me or anything, just so i would finally be able to stop wondering. over the years the questions have kept piling up and the non-communication was pregnant with words left unsaid, things undone, messages unsent and the ultimate question unasked and therefore unanswered.
please, these chance encounters have to stop. i don't want to know the answers when i no longer have the will nor the interest to ask. let us leave everything as they are - a puzzle unsolved and unfinished...
